Halloween Haunts: KRAKEN, AND RAVENS, AND RAPTORS… OH, MY!
Halloween Haunts: KRAKEN, AND RAVENS, AND RAPTORS… OH, MY!
By Evan Baughfman
October’s not just for things bumping in the night.
It’s also when sports grab ahold of me, slide their fangs into my bookish flesh, and transform me into a fanpire.
The NFL season is alive, and my fantasy football teams have (once again) been some frustrating version of the undead—ripping opponents apart one week and fumbling around in the dark, headless and heartless, the next.
My kids are both playing soccer. Their games have had me on the edge of my seat more often than the newest horror movie remakes and/or sequels ever seem to do.
Then, there’s Major League Baseball—as I write this, our local Dodgers are still in the playoffs, ready to curse Angelenos with another chilling, lackluster Halloween-time finish.
But, once the jack-o’-lanterns are extinguished, so is much of my fervor for athletics. Why is that? Well, I’m not a die-hard, year-round fanatic for any particular team(s). Just because athletes play in a stadium near my hometown, it doesn’t make me their devoted familiar, hypnotized by above-average hand-eye coordination.
See, my fantasy football teams are Frankensteined together with players from all over the league and country. My kids’ teams feature my son and daughter on defense, so I have to root for them. And the Dodgers—I like the guys well enough, but I’m not losing my mind when they inevitably turn back into pumpkins at the witching hour.
I would be an automatic devotee, however, if some sports team ever decided to truly embrace the horror genre and give themselves a delightfully spooky-strange name. I’d proudly wear that team’s cap, buy a jersey, and cheer them on nightly, IPA clutched firmly between my claws.
In my kids’ soccer league, there are some interesting team names, but none are outright inspired by horror. Though, I do respect the girls in my daughter’s division who wear the all-black uniforms. Their team’s name? Sanrio. Goth Hello Kitty certainly sends a message. My son’s team recently tied a game with the Villains. Alas, that team’s banner does not display the likes of Ghostface, Freddy, Chucky, Michael, or Jason.
Fantasy football is an opportunity to get creative with team names. Puns are all the rage. Though, when I named my team the Kuppacabras some years ago, my friends were initially confused by the marriage of L.A. Rams wide receiver and bloodthirsty cryptid. My wife’s fantasy squad has been the Crystal Lake Killers for many years now. Like Jason Voorhees, the Killers’ best years are probably behind them, but their name does have some real staying power.
Speaking of Jason… At conventions, I often see folks wearing hockey jerseys with the name “Voorhees” and the number 13 emblazoned across their gore-splattered backs. That’s the kind of gear I wish a professional sports team had the guts to commit to.
Certain jerseys worn by the NHL’s Colorado Avalanche have big Sasquatch feet adorning their shoulders. That’s on the right track, I suppose, but I’d much prefer a complete name and uniform change. A transformation that more fully supports the legendary forest-dwelling hominid of North America.
Seattle’s NHL team is named the Kraken. That’s pretty awesome. I don’t know if I’ll ever visit Seattle again, but I’m considering the purchase of a tentacular Kraken cap. What’s holding me back, however, is the hockey of it all. I’ve never really understood the game. Maybe the lure of the Kraken is enough to keep me steady on the ice?
The NFL has the Baltimore Ravens, a football team that pays homage to Edgar Allan Poe and his most famous poem. At one time, Poe was a resident of Baltimore and is even buried there. But “The Raven” isn’t one of my favorite pieces of Poe, so, while I do admire the allusion to the horror author, the team’s name does little for me. Now, the Slashing Orangutans, the Pendulums, or the Montresors—those are Poe-ish team names I could actually get behind, but they are probably better suited for European clubs.
I have discovered, though, a number of other American sports teams that attempt to bring the “horror” in one way or another. Here are thirteen that fit the sinister bill:
- Toronto Raptors – this NBA team was founded in the nineties, at the height of Jurassic Park’s popularity. I would argue that J.P. is a horror film and that Spielberg’s velociraptors are some of the most effective—and relentless—movie monsters ever created. I wouldn’t want to meet them in a dark hallway, inside of a kitchen, or on a basketball court.
- Colorado Mammoth – this team is a member of the National Lacrosse League. Massive, prehistoric elephants perhaps aren’t as frightening as knife-toed dinosaurs, but the Mammoth’s logo is genuinely terrifying. A pair of blood-soaked tusks hint at a recent, hard-fought battle with a saber-toothed cat.
- Albany Firewolves – here is another professional lacrosse team. When in doubt, combine two fearsome elements into one outstanding team name. Though, I’m not sure if the flaming canids are inspired by world mythologies or by a Mozilla web browser.
- Cleveland Monsters – this minor league hockey team cracks the Top Ten because… monsters. But I’m not a fan of the lack of specificity.
- Green Bay Blizzard – these guys play for the Indoor Football League, and I’d much rather support them than their Cheesehead NFL brothers up the road. The Blizzard’s logo is very Yeti-centric. North America is the wrong continent for Abominable Snowmen, but I suppose it’s the sentiment that counts.
- Utica Yeti – these snowmen from the North American Box Lacrosse League are also a long, long way away from the Himalayas, but they get extra points for explicitly committing to cryptids.
- Seattle Sea Dragons – this team was once a part of the Xtreme Football League. Who wins in a fight between Sea Dragons and Kraken for Most Monstrous Seattle Team Name Ever? I’m not quite sure, but a Seahawk is just a wet bird, and a Mariner is just a guy on a boat, so…
- Anaheim Piranhas – this now-defunct Arena Football League team was based just around the corner from the Happiest Place on Earth (no, not the Amazon River). Joe Dante’s film and Alexandre Aja’s 2010 movie both tell us that piranhas are not to be messed with, but I’d much rather face a piranha than its eerie cousin-fish, the pacu. (Google “pacu” and never unsee what nature has done.)
- New Jersey Devils – these NHL players are named after one of North America’s strangest cryptids. I love the love for the Jersey Devil, but points off for not featuring the titular horse-goat-bat chimera-thing on their logo or sportswear.
- Grand Rapids Griffins – members of the American Hockey League, they sometimes play against the Cleveland Monsters. Feathered, ferocious Griffin > unspecified Monster, every day of the week.
- Lehigh Valley Phantoms/Toronto Phantoms – Lehigh Valley is also an affiliate of the AHL; Toronto was, at one time, a part of the Arena Football League. Toronto has a truly epic Grim Reaper logo, and kudos to both teams for naming themselves after Dean Koontz’s best book.
- New Orleans VooDoo – this team was also once affiliated with the Arena Football League. Their team logo doesn’t feature a scythe, but their skull-faced avatar is undeniably cool. Sunglasses and a violet top hat? This skeleton screams style.
- Savannah Ghost Pirates – these players arrr a parrrt of the Eastern Collegiate Hockey League and arrr #1 on this list for embracing Savannah’s legacy as the Most Haunted City in America. A boo-tifully spooky team logo to boo-t.
So, it turns out there may be some teams to root for, after all. But where are the Werewolves? The Gill-Men? The Mothmen? The Slashers? The Shoggoths? The Kaiju?
Time to start a pickleball team, I guess. Our jerseys—if not our gameplay—will certainly scare opponents on and off the court.
Author bio:
Evan Baughfman is a Southern California playwright, author, and educator. He is a playwriting member of PlayGround-L.A., and is a company member with Force of Nature Productions. A number of Evan’s plays are published through Heuer Publishing, YouthPLAYS, Next Stage Press, and Drama Notebook. Evan has also found success writing horror fiction, his work found recently in anthologies by Inkd Publishing, No Bad Books Press, and Black Hare Press. Evan’s own books include: The Emaciated Man, Vanishing of the 7th Grade, Bad for Your Teeth, and Try Not to Die in a Dark Fairy Tale. More info is available on New Play Exchange and at amazon.com/author/evanbaughfman
You’re onto something here. Do we need yet another Bulldogs or Wildcats, or would it be better to have Black Dogs and Wampus Cats?
The World League of American Football had a team called the Hamburg Sea Devils.
There’s a minor league baseball team called the Vermont Lake Monsters, a reference to Champ of Lake Champlain.
This is probably over the border into simple nature rather than fear, but there’s the University of Richmond Spiders.
Off I go on a cryptid-team hunt across the web!
I love the “Spider” as a mascot!
CeeDee Lamb is on my fantasy football team, so I certainly feel a bit of your pain!
That first statement about the NFL made it sound like you were a Cowboys fan. If you’re not, then fear not. You’re still not alone in this one. I always say that I’ll invite the Cowboys to my funeral so that they can let me down one last time.