Halloween Haunts: Comforting Visitations by Damian Serbu
For some odd reason, a Halloween memory from high school popped into my head the other day. I’m not one to love going back to immerse myself in high school reflections. I didn’t love or hate that part of my life. I survived, but I also think I was tortured by being in the closet at a time frought with a ton of emotion and turmoil. Looking back, I see how much living in the closet affected who I was, who I wanted to be, and what came across to other people. At a period when those around me explored their sexuality and grew into it, I clamped down harder on my true self out of fear. The 1980s were getting better for LGBTQIA folks, but we still had a long way to go.
What does this have to do with Halloween?! I was president of an organization that hosted a haunted host fundraiser my senior year. After weeks of planning and preparation, and hours the week of Halloween building out the scares and thrills, the night of the event arrived! We were all excited and having a good time, but darkness crept around the edges of my mind. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, as if I might be exposed or, worse, feel horrendous the rest of my life because I could never reveal my true self.
I forget how I ended up there, but at some point I found myself alone and hidden in the dark. We built makeshift walls from black plastic bags. In the throws of the haunted tours, with customers moving through and almost everyone engaged in providing them a good fright, I sat alone. The sounds and activity faded from my mind, becoming a white noise around me.
My being isolated, however, transcended a feeling of loneliness. In English, my teacher had recently introduced us to Henry David Thoreau, and I was drawn to contemplating one quotation of his: “alone doesn’t have to be lonely.” I breathed deeply. While I was a couple years from coming out, in many ways even to myself, I found comfort in being alone. I accepted myself, including the internal turmoil, and began a journey of self-acceptance.
Halloween was key to this revelation, in more ways than providing a secret darkened corner in a haunted house. The fall in many traditions shrinks the gap between the living and the dead. Spirits traverse both realms. Mysticism and visitations increase. Whether literal or figurative, I will never know, but I was joined that night by those who came before me. Some sought me because they had fought for awareness and paved the way for my eventual coming out to be much easier and more accepted. Others, I know, wept with me about feeling alone and scared. They gave me space to feel normal with those feelings, to not be ready to reveal my identity to other people at that time but also not being internally ashamed of myself.
At that Halloween moment, I didn’t realize all that was happening to me. I was simply struggling with how I felt, and who I wanted to be. But gazing back on lurking inside the haunted house, I see how the unknown crept into the thin line between the living and dead to give me comfort.
Halloween can be about frights and scares. We can have fun with imagined monsters and sinister entities coming for us. But as a horror writer, I like to include the positive aspects of the holiday along with the frights. Older traditions and ancient beliefs uphold the time of year as more than just being dangerous and frought with peril. The changing seasons mark opportunities for growth and reflection. I love the fall. I love Halloween. And its fun to glance backward, at a Halloween moment that at the time seemed scary and overwhelming, but in retrospect helped me cope and move forward toward a brighter future.
The night ended with my good friends and me gathering at my house to celebrate our haunted house and have fun. By the time we got there, I was smiling and happy, too – thanks to the visitors from afar who came to me earlier in the evening.
FORTHCOMING THIS YEAR FROM DAMIAN SERBU: THE VAMPIRE’S WAR.
War brews among vampires. Facing extinction at the hands of an ancient one, the Vampire Council plods along with a secret strategy. Jaret Bachmann, both vampire and witch, fears the Council elders move too slowly. He has the power to assist them in defeating their enemy, but the longer they keep him at arm’s length the more defiant he becomes. He’s already pushing the boundaries to assert his will when tragedy strikes, devastating him and compelling him to become even more rebellious.
A young vampire alone in the world, Jaret struggles to find his true self and discover how he wants to spend the remainder of his eternal life, even as the vampire war intensifies and the rogue vampire strikes again. To compound his problems, he’s faced with the allure of a hot renegade vampire, not sure if he is friend or foe.
Who will win the war, and where will Jaret’s soul-searching lead him?
TODAY’S GIVEAWAY: Damian Serbu is giving away an e-copy of The Vampire’s Angel! Comment below or email membership@horror.org with the subject HH Contest Entry for a chance to win!
Author Bio: Damian Serbu lives in the Chicago area with his husband and two dogs, Akasha and Chewbacca. The dogs control his life, tell him what to write, and threaten to eat him in the middle of the night if he disobeys. He has published The Vampire’s Angel, The Vampire’s Quest, The Bachmann Family Secret, The Vampire’s Witch, and The Vampire’s Protégé, as well as Santa’s Kinky Elf, Simon and Santa Is a Vampire with NineStar Press. Coming in 2022 – The Vampire’s War!
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