HALLOWEEN HAUNTS: Dems Da Rules By Mark Matthews
True Story—Cross my heart and swear to Zeus: I used to, as a child, go to my neighbors’ houses and ask for candy. No, not on Halloween. I’d go at random times, any day of the week, but mostly in summer. I’d jump up on their porch, knock on the door, and if someone answered, I’d muster the sweetest voice I could and ask; “Do you have any candy?” They usually delivered.
True story—I tried this a few times naked. I have no memory of this, but apparently, at
five years old or so, I thought it was the funniest thing to run out the front door, completely bare-assed, on my way to neighbors’ homes to ask for candy. My siblings would chase me down and drag me back home by the nape of my neck.
So, as the only summer-time-naked-trick-or-treater to ever exist (go ahead and dispute that) I’m declaring myself the authority on resolving some of the five most debated questions about Halloween etiquette. Such as:
- People who come to your neighborhood as tourists just for Halloween
Hell yes, give them candy. Stop that side-eye, stop that condescending glance. Stop gossiping to your neighbors the next day. If you live in a neighborhood people want to visit on the most giving night of the year, then give. That nature of Halloween is, come to my front door, I give you treats. Doesn’t matter where from. In fact, treat them better. They are divine. They are Gods in disguise testing your kindness. (Zeus’s Law)
- What times does Halloween start and end?
Anytime on October 31st that someone comes to your door is when Halloween starts. Younger they are, more likely they come in the light. You work from home, you pause that Teams meeting to answer. And Halloween does not end at your house until the porch light is off, and even then, if you’ve got an elaborate lawn display, don’t expect the absence of a porch light to stop a 9:48 pm doorbell.
- Age limits
Pshaw! Age limits? SHEESH! No age limits. I’ve a nephew with autism in his mid 20’s who trick or treats. Give him candy. Give them all candy. No ages matter. In fact, give them extra just to show you care and appreciate they’ve resisted convention.
- What if they have no costume?
They are wearing a human suit. Give them candy.
- Leaving the Candy Bowl out with a “Just take one please” sign
You’re allowed zero despair if it’s all scooped up by one person within the first 10 minutes. In fact, be disappointed if it’s not, even if you have the cutest “just take one” sign taped to its edge.
There you have it. Dems da rules
And in that spirit: If a kid comes to your door asking for candy in the summer time, give them candy, it will make them feel the world is a safe and sweet place. But if that kid is naked? Probably going to write some weird horror fiction when he’s older. Give them candy.
But then again, perhaps we’ve all gone ‘naked’ to strangers’ homes on Halloween since we arrive completely vulnerable on front porches of homes we’ve often never visited outside of Halloween night. No other holiday has is full of such beneficence. Amazing that Halloween, the holiday associated with horror, is the one that teaches us to love our neighbor (rather than just our family) more than any other holiday of the year.
Just as I believe horror writers have the finest hearts around, for they are in touch with the fragile state of the human psyche, Halloween is the kindest night of the year. Where all ages can show up to your front door, dressed how or if they want, from anywhere on the planet, be it 9 am or 9 pm, and we pay them the kindness expecting nothing in return.
In a better world, people could expect such sweetness and kindness in any season. For now, we’ll take it on the best night of the year.
Mark Matthews is a Shirley Jackson Award finalist, a graduate of the University of Michigan, and a licensed professional counselor. He is the author of novels such as To Those Willing to Drown, On the Lips of Children, All Smoke Rises, Milk-Blood, and The Hobgoblin of Little Minds. He is also the editor of a trio of addiction horror anthologies including Orphans of Bliss, Lullabies for Suffering, and Garden of Fiends. He lives near Detroit, does not like Candy Corn, and brushes his teeth in the shower.
Matthews’ Halloween-themed novella BODY OF CHRIST—picked as a top Halloween favorite by horror maestro Jason Cavallaro in his book Cracking Spines—is FREE on Amazon from thru 10/23.
