HALLOWEEN HAUNTS: Coming of Age in Costume
by R. Ruhl
The autumn season is a time for reflecting on change and the connections between the past and present. I can trace a distinct narrative thread through my own life through the lens of remembering each year’s Halloween costume.
Life started in costumes sewn by my grandma, a woman who inspired my mother’s love of horror and Halloween and thus my own. Every year since I was 8, my mom has hosted a Halloween party. I can trace times and changes throughout my life along with annual costumes. A princess and a witch, the years I was too little to choose my own friends and my mom’s friends kids were my ‘friends.’ Not that I fit in with them, or, in hindsight, that they really liked me. A scientist, the year I decided I wanted to do something less ‘girly,’ and had started to make some friends of my own… fair weather friends.
Then came several years of young adult book protagonists, when I first started to get into going to thrift stores to make my own Halloween outfits instead of buying them. Those middle school years were strange for many reasons, one of which was that we no longer got to wear costumes to school, but my mom kept having parties, so I kept having a reason to dress up. By then we’d fully drifted from the grade school friends who were never really friends to begin with and started inviting more family, cousins and aunts and uncles we were closest with at the time. One year, it was such a special surprise when a favorite aunt and cousin who lived across the state showed up for a visit. We’re not very close with any of those relatives anymore, as family drama, schisms, and physical distance caused too much conflict. But I remember what costumes they wore.
Later, in high school, was when I truly started to experiment with personal expression, in all aspects of life. As a young teen I began to be generally unsatisfied and uncomfortable with gender, so I decided the solution was to present more femininely. For Halloween at age 14 I was one of the newer Disney princesses, and my mom hand-painted outfit pieces from thrift stores. That is one of my favorite costumes to this day, even as my preferred way of dressing has shifted in the opposite direction… exploration of which was triggered by Halloween. The following year’s costume was a male video game protagonist, unorthodox, the first time I had ever crossed the gender divide. But still, it was a character with fantasy clothing that could really be seen as gender neutral. The following year was when something really started to change and click. I wanted to be Sherlock Holmes. With my dad’s help, for the first time I bought definite, modern masculine clothing, and I’ve never gone back. If it wasn’t for that Halloween, I would have taken much longer to start figuring myself out.
I got to college and things changed even more, as they do. My mom still did parties, of course, but I have more memories from these years of Halloween activities at college, as it was a time when home parties were small and limited with most of our previous guest list having drifted in interests, turned out to not really be friends, or moved too far away. In college, it took me a long time to make new friends, but I connected with others in creative writing club, and the first day I really felt like I could fit in and find a place in the community on campus was that Halloween as a freshman. I got to go trick or treating again, which I never thought would happen, as there was a tradition of going to houses around the small campus that all welcomed the students. I distinctly remember one house handing out glow-in-the-dark plastic bugs instead of candy, and I still have that critter. These years, I did a pirate, a literary, and a steampunk outfit, coordinated with college writer friends. I was able to explore an identity and experiences outside of home while still maintaining a connection to home by creating costumes with my parents.
A trophy I won at a Halloween party in a creative writing event in undergrad, for my Poe costume.
Then the pandemic hit. That didn’t stop my mom from having a “party,” though it was just with my grandparents, and I met with friends online, as a wizard. After this year, my health took a pretty sharp turn. Fall became a challenging season for me, as weather changes exacerbate the chronic pain, chronic migraine, and seasonal depression conditions I’ve developed in my 20s. I like to say, “I love fall but fall doesn’t love me.” One year, I spent half the party laying on the couch across my two friends’ laps because I had a terrible migraine but didn’t want to go to my room while the party was happening because that was too sad. This was the year I started to be more interested in classic horror and dressed as a vampire. It was in fact that very fall I read Dracula during a months-long chronic illness flareup, which at the time I had no explanation for and had run out of doctors to bug, and got the idea for my first novel. I write narratives which approach the vampire story from a misdiagnosis lens. There’s a part in Dracula where the characters are at that point aware a vampire is on the loose, but when one starts to feel weak and sick no alarm bells are raised. Suspense and dramatic irony for the reader, sure, but it didn’t make sense to me. However, while laying on the couch deflated during that year’s Halloween party, I would have never suspected it was from being bitten by a vampire and would have thought it was a migraine or the flu or it was “just me” like the doctors loved to say. So, what if a character who already dealt with disability started to get symptoms of blood loss and ignored it? That made tasty fuel for a story and sent me down the path to taking writing seriously and becoming the professional writer I am today. I am still querying and haven’t published anything yet, but you can read more about my projects, interests, and issues I like to tackle on my website. I, of course, also write about characters who disregard gender as much as I do in my outfits.
You’ll notice a few common threads throughout this tale of my life told through Halloween costumes. I spent most of my childhood lonely, struggling to make friends. And, the places I really feel a connection and community with throughout adulthood are all groups of writer, horror and Halloween lovers, or both. Halloween costumes have allowed me to explore interests, experiment with expression, and grow confidence. Being excited for Halloween again and spending more time planning themed costumes after those low post-pandemic years was the first sign my physical and mental health were improving. Halloween to me is ultimately about embracing who you are and finding the people who will embrace you. What if every day was Halloween? If we made it the norm to wear costumes all year round, I believe it would solve a lot of problems in helping people explore identity, break the ice, and make connections.
This year will be our 18th Halloween party. Each year, my mom runs a slideshow of pictures from past parties. It’s a strange melancholy note in an otherwise joyous event, seeing the faces of people who’ve passed away or drifted away. My beloved grandfather, as a gangster or musketeer with his signature squinty pose. My closest childhood friend, always dressed as a soldier, who went very deep into “alternate facts” and I had to painfully cut contact with. My best friend from high school and of eleven years, in a panda costume, who moved and lives too far to come to parties regularly anymore. Relatives and family friends we simply lost connection with as time went on and life—and costumes—changed.
There are some people who are always there, though, no matter what year or what outfit. My mom, the center of the tradition, without whom there would not be Halloween. My grandma, in all her over the top glory. My mom’s best friend and her husband, who are honorary relatives on that side of my family, with their devoted couples costumes. My dad has gotten help from coworkers in creating elaborate prop costumes to startle people with by blending into the scenery. After undergrad, I reconnected with a few friends from high school who still live near me, and a sign of how close we still are after that time apart has been inviting them to Halloween parties. At least one of them is free for the party every year amidst busy schedules, dressed as characters from movies and games we bond over. And, of course, through all my life so far, me. Most recently, I’ve been on a classic detective outfits trend and have added a script for a mystery dinner to our annual Halloween parties, giving me a more active role in the festivity planning and letting me show off my craft. I’m looking forward to the annual event as much as I did when I was little. Life hasn’t gone in any direction I imagined when I was growing up, but does it ever? No matter what happens in a year, Halloween will always come and bring some variety and escape to the childhood home I still live in.
I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to dress as this year for Halloween. Maybe I’ll take it a step up from thrifting and get into sewing, perhaps a bat or a spider costume—two of my current favorite animals. They’re small and embraced by a niche but amazing group of people, just like me.
What are you going as for Halloween this year? Reach out to me on social media and tell me your outfit plans or your favorite costumes of past years and how they connect to changes and people in your life.
R. Ruhl has an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University and is a member of the Pittsburgh chapter of the Horror Writers Association. Ruhl lives with a neurological condition, and their work is centered on disability representation and advocacy. You can follow them on Bluesky or Instagram @writingruhls and find their website here